e7thstar's Xanga

hmm

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:37:54 GMT

i only ever want to write when im down.
...eh, cant help it i guess.
i think i will follow through and avoid everyone. for my own sake.
i have a deep hatred for people lately :/
i get irritated easily. everything has been pissing me off.
i snap at everyone for no apparent reason. im totally not mentally stable.
i go from happy to pissed off. /sigh
its my defense mechanism. shelling myself from everything and everyone so i dont get hurt.
pushing everyone away. i really dont care if no one speaks to me again.
i just want to be left alone. i like it. it makes me feel secure. no one to hurt me.
i think this time its worse that its ever been. quite a few friends have been in need lately and ive been ignoring all of them. not replying to txts, not calling back...well all except for jaziel cuz well...tbh, i see him on certain days and its not like i can escape. so i humor him and please him....its fucked up of me. i seem to care shortly...but then i dismiss the fact that anyone but myself matters.

...since i know you read this, this part goes to you...to the rest of you who end up reading this, no clue why you do, but xanga tells me i get quite a few views, disregard this.
i hate what youve done to me. i dont think there is words to describe how much i loathe what i am now.
i hate myself. i hate the fact, that i hate myself even more. my head fucking screams at me at night and i cant get it to shut up. so i stay on the computer till i pass out. i usually pass out on my chair, then i wake up the next day and pretend everything is ok. ive been more or less happy with who i am in all senses. my character, looks, way of being, idk etc, but now i cant see a single good thing about me. everything is flawed. every single little thing. you dont know my personality very well....youve seen me "sad" once, and at that time, i was just spacing out and being quiet. usually i put up a cheery mood around you, just too keep things nice. inside i really want to scream and get away half the time. ive never been hurt the way you hurt me. you knew exactly how i protected myself and yet you went and fucked with my head through those ways....and then of course me who cares too much decides to try and forget it because i still care. why? i dont know. you used the word love before, but according to your definition of that word, what i felt wasnt that. so i guess my reason for caring is pure stupidity. if i had an outside perspective, i wouldnt understand why someone would keep caring so much about the person who has hurt them the most. i'd be like, wtf dude. are you that retarded? quit hurting yourself its only going to get worse....but i dont seem to care or mind...i dont know whats wrong with me. like i told you earlier, you havent added anything positive to my life, but you sure have added tons of negative....mostly its all mental. negative feelings towards myself....taking your insecurities and making them mine.
...i never did tell you what my number one pet peeve is. people who are insecure about themselves. i had told myself i would never associate myself with someone like that again, because it's a huge headache. ...and now im that way. hell i can even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i literally hate the way i look now. i know now what its like to hear people compliment me and completely disagreeing with everything they say. i hate how i sing too. i hate how i play the guitar. i hate the way i write. i hate my hair. i want to shave it all off. i hate my nails....yet i keep them so i can fail at the guitar more. i hate the way i dress. i hate my height even more than i did before. i hate my voice. i hate my inability to speak well. i hate my accent. i hate my limited vocabulary. i hate my job. i hate where i am in life. i hate everything about me...
at least tomorrow ill wake up and pretend im ok. maybe ill buy myself something to momentarily keep me happy.
i hate my family medical history too....everything runs in it ha.
my mom told my grandfather has a tumor in his testicles and that he's basically going to have them amputated. :/
i need sleep. i wish i had someone to tell me everything was going to be ok. i know i have God.....but, it would be nice to hear it from someone else. i hope i can be "normal" again.

.....its funny how out of all the people i know, fanta gave me the best "advice"
i have to find someone who truly appreciates the things i do and will see through my flaws.
...ha, so gay.
fml

forgetful

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 08:56:59 GMT

sometimes i tend to forget that there are things that terrify me.
not ones i like to keep in my mind at all though.
i find it odd how i can actually take my mind off those.
i guess that's a good thing, but every so often im reminded again.

ugh...im so scared right now it's ridiculous.
i literally want to cry lol :S

man im freaking out so bad now ><
i need to get in bed or something. omg
im seriously having a panic attack right now
fml D:

....ok that freak out episode lasted a bit longer than i wanted.
still isn't completely gone, but...ugh so scared
ok...i know nothing can harm me. /breathe
now to uh turn on the light

oh man i havent been this scared in ages.
i wish someone was up or that the neighbors were making noise...
it's too quiet. even the grasshoppers arent making any sound
><

bring me sleep

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 04:30:30 GMT

sometimes the world is too bright for me to see
sometimes my hand aims farther than what i can reach
sometimes i soar too high to see around me
sometimes i think too much to see the answer

for there is no tomorrow
there never was
there never is
and never will be
no, there is no tomorrow
all i have is time that's borrowed
there is no tomorrow

bring me sleep
i lie here waiting
save me from
this life im hating
bring me sleep

the long nights never ending
it seems like a sick joke
the rage that builds
i cant contain it
the anger, despair

touched by hands so cold
death has caressed me
hold me tighter
your icy skin so pleasant
calmed and swayed into dreams
please dont stop now
hold me tighter
till i break

for there is no tomorrow
there never was
there never is
and never will be
no, there is no tomorrow
all i have is time that's borrowed
there is no tomorrow

bring me sleep
i lie here waiting
save me from
this life im hating
bring me sleep

***********************************
i like that song...
a few days ago, i broke down uncontrollably.
first time that had ever happened to me.
it was a very unpleasant feeling.
not having any control over my emotions or being able to get a hold of myself.

today i had to ask robb what diaf meant. his response was "that's not nice"
i guess he thought i was telling him that.
...good thing there is such a thing as google.

i guess i am truly stupid.

happiness is a warm...

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 08:23:16 GMT

bang bang
shoot shoot

Dear God,

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 07:43:15 GMT

For my birthday, I want to be ale to not cry myself to sleep.
I don't know if that's too much to ask

Sincerely, me

give me strenght

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 05:33:59 GMT

ive been too depressed to write lately.
im a bad friend, a bad brother, and a bad son.
i cant seem to do anything right or help anyone out.
im barely able to help mysellf so i doubt im of any use to anyone.
i hate how i feel sorry for myself, but i dont see anything good in myself,
and neither does anyone else. im pretty much a waste of space.

i wanted to go to disneyland on sunday for my bday, but i cant find anyone to go with.
maybe ill go alone...ill probably just end up laying in bed all day.
at least that way it cant be ruined like every other one.
i should probably just work.

i used to think i had a pretty positive outlook about myself.
now all i see are flaws. i cant go a minute without thinking about them.

ive hurt my best friend. the last person that i would want to hurt.
i dont know how to help her or how to make her stop hurting.

my depression seems so stupid, but i cant remedy it.
my self esteem is at the lowest its ever been.
im disgusted by my own self pity
i wish i was a stronger person
i will pray for that, along with those that i care for

late night visions

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 09:33:29 GMT

i hate how i dwell on the "what if's"
i just play with my own mind and distort reality for a few minutes.
making my brain believe things are better or worse than they actually are.
why torture myself that way? in the end ill just come back to reality.
things happen and are what they are for a reason.
i shouldnt try to fight it, but accept it.
i told my friend i'm pretty sure i was meant to be alone all my life.
i have been since i was 2.
while my parents worked i took care of myself.
as a kid my parents were overprotective when i reached the age of elementary when one of the other would be home. i wasnt allowed to go out anywhere. i'd have to stay home and study. i hated them for it. i couldnt do normal things that every other kid did. i remember how i'd watch all the other kids play from the windows. im not even exagerrating, it was like how it's depicted in movies.
i was also supossed to be in bed by 8. i remember how my mom would make me go to sleep at that time even during summer while the sun was still out and there was kids outside playing.
my friends were my toys and stuffed animals. they each had a name and personality.
i had created my own world in my head where i'd talk to them everyday.
they lived in what i recall to be a big luxurious mansion where there was everything fun i could think of.
i cherish those memories to this day.
i would cry when my parents would throw away my "old" tuffed animals and toys
they said they looked ugly and i had too many.
it was like losing a friend each time.
sure i had friends at school, but that was it, just friends at school.
even when i reached middle and high school, my parents still dictated everything i did, and if i didnt like it i'd get my ass beat for it. mexicans are used to it i guess. it's how we get things done....if a kid gets out of line...except i never did. ...well i guess failing to get A's in all my classes was a sin. i stopped caring about doing any homework in 3rd grade, so the next 9 years of school were not the greatest.
i still wasnt allowed to go out at all during any of my school years.
no wonder i ran away when i graduated.
then came back just to move out a few months later.
i didnt talk to my family the whole time i moved out of my house.
me leaving ended up in my older sister actually having some liberty.
...guess they figured she'd end up leaving too.
im glad i left even if it included some of the most shittiest times of my life,
but ill save that for another time.
..back to my point. i hate how i keep dwelling on the what if's
and ill just keep doing it.
so, like i was saying, since early on i've been alone.
i think some people are just built to handle these things.

...josh just called, he's spending the night again.

so yeah, this will just help me get stronger perhaps.
readying me for whatever other obstacles will be waiting for me

the few times ive depended on people ive always been let down,
and my mind thinks that it will continue to be the case, even if it isnt.
i think that is what will really drive me to loneliness
...but really, why get close if you'll just get hurt?

...i find it funny, how what has honestly made me the happiest, that i can recall,
is also the thing that has hurt me the most.
the pain is ultimately beareable though.
i deem it worth it.
...i just fear for when i will no longer be able to bear it.
what will i do then? quit? crumble?
i wish i knew...no, i wish i dont quit or crumble.
i will bear this as long as i live...it's important that i do.
i honestly think i was put on the path i am to be a pillar of strenght...but nothing else

late night visitors

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 08:13:13 GMT

josh and rod came to visit me at about 1150
i was amidst a conversation so i told them to give me a few minutes
we smoked in my garden and have been hanging out for a few hours.
i smoked earlier also...ill have to stop that by next week...well calm it down.
ive been smoking ridiculous amounts.
im glad they came over though (currently theyve gone to 7 11)
i feel numbed again. thats a good thing i think. i dont want to feel pain.
i wish....something id never wished before in my life.
ive always been comfortable with myself as a person in all aspects.
i try not to have a low self esteem because ive never had a reason to.
at least not a real one that i didnt think of myself.
i never thought id develop one.
that kinda sucks :/
i dont want any more head problems than i already have.
...well i guess i kinda already had a low self esteem because i think im useless/worthless,
but...never in that aspect.
usually i think tears would form, but right now im just breathing normally with an occasional short sigh.
just another hurdle in my life to get over and help make myself get stronger.
i'd like to keep writing, but i expect they'll be back soon and kill my train of thought.
my thoughts actually seem somewhat composed tonight.
im not sure if that's a good or bad thing. perhaps its an effect of the numbness.
i dont work today, so on the agenda will be
-smoke (because i know i will)
-clean my room
-eat
-(smoke)
-sit on my chair staring at the computer screen
-smoke
-sleep

thats how i see it going...exciting >.>
perhaps ill have josh come over tomorrow so we can...well smoke i guess.
mmm pepsi
...oo they're back...

twinkly stars

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:45:30 GMT

its such a nice night out...its warm. there's a warm breeze.
i just got back from a 3 4 hour walk...i just roamed around aimlessly listening to music.
didnt really help clear my head, but it made me feel physically better.
my body is aching. it's probably asking for sleep
perhaps i should smoke again to pass out? lol...no
ive been smoking way too much.
ill cut down after next week XD lolol

im thankful im alive and well...healthy somewhat...need to fix my diet.
stupid cough i think finally went away. stupid weather.
i screamed my lungs out earlier tonight. it was fun. :]

here's to wishing on a star that i have a good day.

alone

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 03:31:12 GMT

...i feel so alone. other than the fact God is with me, im so miserably alone.
i feel like disappearing right now

i just got an aim from josh...
/calls
he's coming over :]
now that i think about it, josh has always been there for me. even though i blown up at him quite a few times, he's always stuck by me. we like the same music, we both play music, we both like to do the same things. he's like a little brother to me. i've known him for almost ten years now. his mom hates me, but who can blame her.
i think we'll get piss drunk and smoke :D

haha also, we always hang out this time during summer
hopefully he'll spend the night. i miss watching movies and stuff all night with him

im feeling a little better now. i feel bad that i neglect him so much.
i feel bad that i neglect all my other friends.
maybe that's why i deserve the things that happen to me.
im so self centered and selfish all the time. conceited, egotistical, and an asshole to everyone

no wonder my life sucks /sigh

maybe someday things will go the way i want them too
...i wonder how many more decades ill have to wait