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| i dont know what to write.
i keep pressing the backspace button
pastor nate told me i should write.
my stomach feels empty. i feel sadness overwhelming me.
...but why now? i feel like i want to give up, but i dont know what it is that i want to give up.
this feeling of emptiness? i need something more in life. im tired
i just wanna sit here and be alone /sigh
today was a great day though. i dont get it.
the whole last few weeks have been wonderful. sure saddening at some parts, but i cant complain too much.
my friend is in jail. perhaps one of the two people who i think cares about me the most.
or perhaps he is the one friend i have who cares about my well being. maybe even more than josh.
i didnt think i'd miss him like this....or is it that?
i think it's the lack of having someone to share my thoughts with.
i just hung out with josh today though.
...and pastor nate even took me out to have the best coffee i've ever had in my life.
i miss my friends so much...
now i just have one friend left who i can count on....and even then, even though i trust josh with my life, his decision making is horrible, so i wouldnt really trust him long enough to live :P
ha...fml.
what is God trying to tell me.
i have been smoking a shit ton. dont really feel it though. i've been much more "active" lately than usual. even if i do spend my free time still sitting here, i at least do stuff now while sitting. instead of just "thinking"
i wish i was stronger. i always wish that same thing.
make me strong, please.
help me find courage.
im tired of not being able to truly be happy.
it's my worse fear. being alone.
yet im not....i have my family. and of course other friends that still care about me.
this evening was awesome.
i thought my sister a little bit of the guitar and then we started singing beatles songs.
im happy that she comprehends pitch and tone. it's great. she has an ear :]
she can sing whatever note i tell her too. i hope she becomes a better musician than me.
pastor nate wants me to lead worship at his church.
i figure ill do it.
im tired of my church. never wanted to go to it anyways, and only went there cuz my parents go there, but i'd rather go to one closer to my house....plus the services are in english :D
/sigh
....i wish i could do things better, but i guess i will continue to learn from my mistakes.
not sure what my mistakes are, but instead of analyzing random things, perhaps i should analyze my behavior.
i stopped myself earlier today from becoming too frustrated with my sister. i dont want to treat her badly in anyway. not even with tone of voice. i want her to enjoy playing the guitar. plus it will get her thinking some.
i know she wants to sing and stuff, so im glad i can help her with that.
im thinking of cutting my hair...again...but i like it long...but i also think i look better with short hair? idk
i love my long hair....but its a bitch to maintain....also i'd have to take my earring off if i cut it...so i guess it will stay lol
that's settled.
my mood has lightened up.
i got all 6 seasons of ren and stimpy. a co-worker burned them for me. i dont like him much, but eh. he's not such a bad guy.
i dont get why liz still talks to me or why she wants to hang out. she has a bf. you think she'd leave me alone. it makes me feel uncomfortable. it's not like i like her, but it's just...idk.
girls are whores. well not all of them, but still.
gahh....i need to stop being so judgmental. why am i like this. why cant i just see the good in people like i used to.
i need to stop focusing on the negative and see the bright side to everything.
i need to start writing new songs.
i have two months to get 9 songs written. then i'll record them, then hopefully we'll start playing more places.
i also have 2 months to find a drummer and bassist.
| | |
| so where did i leave off last time i wrote?
...probably some sort of mental breakdown LOL
seems thats usually the only time i write...cept now im quite stable.
lots has happened since i last wrote....and i mean LOTS
life has taken quite a twist on me again, except i only went crazy for a few days this time
and kinda settled down quite fast.
where to start?
well, im no longer broke :D
well once i can transfer balances tomorrow, no more debt :D wewt (woot, for those of you non nerds that read my xanga...which i still wonder why people like to read this crap)
my punctuation is horrible, so is my use of words....then again, half the time im asleep and typing or insanely high.
which brings me to this new point. i got myself a really really really really nice piece yesterday. figured i could spend a bit since i dont owe much anymore. :P ...then again i have to help my parents out more because things just arent going well for them either. /sigh ill never get my car :/
anyways, on to happier thoughts. so yeah, my bubbler is fucking sweet.
it was 300g but it had a chip in the artwork so it was marked down to 200
some kid that happens to know me is friends with the owner of the smoke shop so i got it and a case for like 100 bucks. :D
i think ive been smoking a lot more lately. im not sure though ..../thinks.....oh man yeah.
im back to smoking a few bowls a day.
well, when i dont have to work. if not i just smoke when i get home from work XD
wow playing has gotten a lot more fun now that im one of the best geared pallies on the server.
by next week i should be the best geared in all of the horde /flex
i've been slacking on the music. i got myself some new equipment though.
a pretty sweet recording machine. maybe now i can make things other than shitty youtube videos or the crap i post here for robb.
i hate how i cant sing in front of a webcam, but yet i do fine in front of people. so gay
i practiced tonight with jaziel and cindy. my guitar playing has improved a tiny bit. even though its not even noticeable, im really happy. guess my minimal practice helped out :S
i was really happy today though when i could think of new shit to do, not just the same old crap ive been doing for years. also, our voices sounded fucking awesome. 3 part harmonies ftw! (for the win) ....now lets see if we can actually do it when it counts....which wont happen, but w/e
oh yeah, i no longer hate myself. idk what the fuck was up with me.
i've been going to some church on and off on mondays and the fridays that i dont have to play music.
it's pretty cool. im also changing my membership from the spanish church i go to, to an english speaking one.
they want me to lead worship service there. i think that would be good for me right now.
i feel out of place at my church, and i never pay attention.
one thing i've found out though. when i smoke, and study the bible or go to church, im SOOOOOO amazed by the stuff written in there. it's amazing and unbelievable. God is pretty legit and awesome.
jaziel leaves for his trip next week. he's actually gonna be gone for a few months. that's really gonna suck.
once he gets out though, its on with the music :D
i think....icecrown will be out >.> ...luckily i raid at 11pm. and since im farming content now, im done raiding before one....but i still stay up all night. im gonna finish killing myself this way.
im sick again fml ...i started bleeding at work yesterday and was like D: lol...but i decided to stay. i bled again and was like, if i bleed one more time, ill go home, but i didnt lol. stupid remodel and all the retarded crap. my throat feels so odd. like its not sore cuz i can sing, but it hurts. it feels bruised. took a shower again and went out in the cold a bit ago. idk why i do that. maybe it reminds me of sacramento. those were fun times. didnt talk to anyone and well...was alone. kinda like now o.o
...cept people keep bugging me.
i've been hanging out a lot with friends i've been ignoring. i used to say avoiding, but they stopped bugging me since i was kinda an ass and avoided them :/
i guess i am a pretty shitty friend.
....idk what happened. im so completely and utterly confused. i dwell on it everynight even though i try not to think about it...like now. /sigh
wouldve been nice to sleep tonight. eh, oh well.
i was spacing out so bad at my sister's bday last week.
a bunch of my friends were there too. even nathalie. whom i havent seen since she came over to my house way back when, came to hang out and i totally ignored her :S ...by the time i looked i ate a whole large pizza by myself (we went to bucca de bepo...or something...some fancy italian place)
i need to stop eating fast food or eating out in general.
i spend about $400 a month on food. i think i could turn that into 200...then maybe i can buy a car?....doubt it.
school....well i lost my chance to go to argentina...do i really want to keep wasting my money at occ?
...man, idk what i want to do with my life. im 22, and i have nothing except my guitars and computer.
eh, i'll see what happens.
i should try to get some sleep. im kinda bummed out now. not depressed though.
just....it sucks. it really does suck...bah. maybe ill pretend to write some music...
idk...im so lame...lame confused and tired. that's a combo full of win if you ask me. XD
i still havent hung out with liz since she's come back from lousiana.
i think i should. perhaps some disneyland, although the whole smoking on the beach after i got off work sounded nice, i was wayy too tired. perhaps on a day off of mine i wont mind going...but i know i'd rather play wow lol
omg, i want to visit robb. yeah...that will be fun. last time i only got to see him for a day.
that really sucks. i used to miss him a lot, then i went to a phase wehre i didnt really :S
but i really miss him again. sounds kinda gay, but he's the person i get along with the best.
i think it's cuz we're both insanely smart and like the same stuff...but yet decided to do nothing with our lives :D
...cept he kinda has a sweet job right now. wtb (want to buy) sweet job pst (please send tell(tell=whisper/private message/chat msg)) ...i realize how lame i am when i have to explain that retarded crap i type.
damn. i need to start talking normally again....cept to sandra. i love talking to her in lolcat speek at work.
she took another vacation but came back again yesterday. i told her how much she sucked for leaving me bored.
i like talking with her the best out of everyone at work...well aside from juan and my sister lol...oh and amy and henry. she's so funny. or maybe it's just cuz she laughs at everything i say XD
...cuz she's smart enough to catch it...which is why i think she's awesome...cept her niece is a bitch -.-
and took my promotion...
and hates me...
and likes victor, so he doesnt have to do shit of work...
/ends rant.
i need to find some rich white lady to take care of me
guess i can search at work :D
my day is so boring at work now.
there is nothing to distract me.
cuz no one talks to me lol....i'd im old friends or txt them, but since i avoided them so much, i'd feel like an idiot being like ohai!
oh, damn...so julie txted me a few days ago. i was under the impression that she had a bf now, so i was like uh O_o ...cuz she only wants one thing and i havent talked to her in ages. so i was kinda like :S ....and told her we'd just smoke if we hung out...cuz yeah. that would be fucked....LOL...that made me laugh...err :S, but no...i want to just stay away period.
i like my guild members. they get me through my night. i think i'd go insane if not for their banter and company in ventrillo. having to someone to talk randomness with is healthy for me i think.
i should go to bed. i have to wake up early tomorrow. /sigh
oh...should i go see weezer?
i hate them now, but i love who they used to be
...funny how life is like that
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| i only ever want to write when im down.
...eh, cant help it i guess.
i think i will follow through and avoid everyone. for my own sake.
i have a deep hatred for people lately :/
i get irritated easily. everything has been pissing me off.
i snap at everyone for no apparent reason. im totally not mentally stable.
i go from happy to pissed off. /sigh
its my defense mechanism. shelling myself from everything and everyone so i dont get hurt.
pushing everyone away. i really dont care if no one speaks to me again.
i just want to be left alone. i like it. it makes me feel secure. no one to hurt me.
i think this time its worse that its ever been. quite a few friends have been in need lately and ive been ignoring all of them. not replying to txts, not calling back...well all except for jaziel cuz well...tbh, i see him on certain days and its not like i can escape. so i humor him and please him....its fucked up of me. i seem to care shortly...but then i dismiss the fact that anyone but myself matters.
...since i know you read this, this part goes to you...to the rest of you who end up reading this, no clue why you do, but xanga tells me i get quite a few views, disregard this.
i hate what youve done to me. i dont think there is words to describe how much i loathe what i am now.
i hate myself. i hate the fact, that i hate myself even more. my head fucking screams at me at night and i cant get it to shut up. so i stay on the computer till i pass out. i usually pass out on my chair, then i wake up the next day and pretend everything is ok. ive been more or less happy with who i am in all senses. my character, looks, way of being, idk etc, but now i cant see a single good thing about me. everything is flawed. every single little thing. you dont know my personality very well....youve seen me "sad" once, and at that time, i was just spacing out and being quiet. usually i put up a cheery mood around you, just too keep things nice. inside i really want to scream and get away half the time. ive never been hurt the way you hurt me. you knew exactly how i protected myself and yet you went and fucked with my head through those ways....and then of course me who cares too much decides to try and forget it because i still care. why? i dont know. you used the word love before, but according to your definition of that word, what i felt wasnt that. so i guess my reason for caring is pure stupidity. if i had an outside perspective, i wouldnt understand why someone would keep caring so much about the person who has hurt them the most. i'd be like, wtf dude. are you that retarded? quit hurting yourself its only going to get worse....but i dont seem to care or mind...i dont know whats wrong with me. like i told you earlier, you havent added anything positive to my life, but you sure have added tons of negative....mostly its all mental. negative feelings towards myself....taking your insecurities and making them mine.
...i never did tell you what my number one pet peeve is. people who are insecure about themselves. i had told myself i would never associate myself with someone like that again, because it's a huge headache. ...and now im that way. hell i can even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i literally hate the way i look now. i know now what its like to hear people compliment me and completely disagreeing with everything they say. i hate how i sing too. i hate how i play the guitar. i hate the way i write. i hate my hair. i want to shave it all off. i hate my nails....yet i keep them so i can fail at the guitar more. i hate the way i dress. i hate my height even more than i did before. i hate my voice. i hate my inability to speak well. i hate my accent. i hate my limited vocabulary. i hate my job. i hate where i am in life. i hate everything about me...
at least tomorrow ill wake up and pretend im ok. maybe ill buy myself something to momentarily keep me happy.
i hate my family medical history too....everything runs in it ha.
my mom told my grandfather has a tumor in his testicles and that he's basically going to have them amputated. :/
i need sleep. i wish i had someone to tell me everything was going to be ok. i know i have God.....but, it would be nice to hear it from someone else. i hope i can be "normal" again.
.....its funny how out of all the people i know, fanta gave me the best "advice"
i have to find someone who truly appreciates the things i do and will see through my flaws.
...ha, so gay.
fml
| | |
| sometimes i tend to forget that there are things that terrify me.
not ones i like to keep in my mind at all though.
i find it odd how i can actually take my mind off those.
i guess that's a good thing, but every so often im reminded again.
ugh...im so scared right now it's ridiculous.
i literally want to cry lol :S
man im freaking out so bad now ><
i need to get in bed or something. omg
im seriously having a panic attack right now
fml D:
....ok that freak out episode lasted a bit longer than i wanted.
still isn't completely gone, but...ugh so scared
ok...i know nothing can harm me. /breathe
now to uh turn on the light
oh man i havent been this scared in ages.
i wish someone was up or that the neighbors were making noise...
it's too quiet. even the grasshoppers arent making any sound
><
| | |
| sometimes the world is too bright for me to see
sometimes my hand aims farther than what i can reach
sometimes i soar too high to see around me
sometimes i think too much to see the answer
for there is no tomorrow
there never was
there never is
and never will be
no, there is no tomorrow
all i have is time that's borrowed
there is no tomorrow
bring me sleep
i lie here waiting
save me from
this life im hating
bring me sleep
the long nights never ending
it seems like a sick joke
the rage that builds
i cant contain it
the anger, despair
touched by hands so cold
death has caressed me
hold me tighter
your icy skin so pleasant
calmed and swayed into dreams
please dont stop now
hold me tighter
till i break
for there is no tomorrow
there never was
there never is
and never will be
no, there is no tomorrow
all i have is time that's borrowed
there is no tomorrow
bring me sleep
i lie here waiting
save me from
this life im hating
bring me sleep
***********************************
i like that song...
a few days ago, i broke down uncontrollably.
first time that had ever happened to me.
it was a very unpleasant feeling.
not having any control over my emotions or being able to get a hold of myself.
today i had to ask robb what diaf meant. his response was "that's not nice"
i guess he thought i was telling him that.
...good thing there is such a thing as google.
i guess i am truly stupid.
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