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| i only ever want to write when im down.
...eh, cant help it i guess.
i think i will follow through and avoid everyone. for my own sake.
i have a deep hatred for people lately :/
i get irritated easily. everything has been pissing me off.
i snap at everyone for no apparent reason. im totally not mentally stable.
i go from happy to pissed off. /sigh
its my defense mechanism. shelling myself from everything and everyone so i dont get hurt.
pushing everyone away. i really dont care if no one speaks to me again.
i just want to be left alone. i like it. it makes me feel secure. no one to hurt me.
i think this time its worse that its ever been. quite a few friends have been in need lately and ive been ignoring all of them. not replying to txts, not calling back...well all except for jaziel cuz well...tbh, i see him on certain days and its not like i can escape. so i humor him and please him....its fucked up of me. i seem to care shortly...but then i dismiss the fact that anyone but myself matters.
...since i know you read this, this part goes to you...to the rest of you who end up reading this, no clue why you do, but xanga tells me i get quite a few views, disregard this.
i hate what youve done to me. i dont think there is words to describe how much i loathe what i am now.
i hate myself. i hate the fact, that i hate myself even more. my head fucking screams at me at night and i cant get it to shut up. so i stay on the computer till i pass out. i usually pass out on my chair, then i wake up the next day and pretend everything is ok. ive been more or less happy with who i am in all senses. my character, looks, way of being, idk etc, but now i cant see a single good thing about me. everything is flawed. every single little thing. you dont know my personality very well....youve seen me "sad" once, and at that time, i was just spacing out and being quiet. usually i put up a cheery mood around you, just too keep things nice. inside i really want to scream and get away half the time. ive never been hurt the way you hurt me. you knew exactly how i protected myself and yet you went and fucked with my head through those ways....and then of course me who cares too much decides to try and forget it because i still care. why? i dont know. you used the word love before, but according to your definition of that word, what i felt wasnt that. so i guess my reason for caring is pure stupidity. if i had an outside perspective, i wouldnt understand why someone would keep caring so much about the person who has hurt them the most. i'd be like, wtf dude. are you that retarded? quit hurting yourself its only going to get worse....but i dont seem to care or mind...i dont know whats wrong with me. like i told you earlier, you havent added anything positive to my life, but you sure have added tons of negative....mostly its all mental. negative feelings towards myself....taking your insecurities and making them mine.
...i never did tell you what my number one pet peeve is. people who are insecure about themselves. i had told myself i would never associate myself with someone like that again, because it's a huge headache. ...and now im that way. hell i can even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i literally hate the way i look now. i know now what its like to hear people compliment me and completely disagreeing with everything they say. i hate how i sing too. i hate how i play the guitar. i hate the way i write. i hate my hair. i want to shave it all off. i hate my nails....yet i keep them so i can fail at the guitar more. i hate the way i dress. i hate my height even more than i did before. i hate my voice. i hate my inability to speak well. i hate my accent. i hate my limited vocabulary. i hate my job. i hate where i am in life. i hate everything about me...
at least tomorrow ill wake up and pretend im ok. maybe ill buy myself something to momentarily keep me happy.
i hate my family medical history too....everything runs in it ha.
my mom told my grandfather has a tumor in his testicles and that he's basically going to have them amputated. :/
i need sleep. i wish i had someone to tell me everything was going to be ok. i know i have God.....but, it would be nice to hear it from someone else. i hope i can be "normal" again.
.....its funny how out of all the people i know, fanta gave me the best "advice"
i have to find someone who truly appreciates the things i do and will see through my flaws.
...ha, so gay.
fml
| | |
| sometimes i tend to forget that there are things that terrify me.
not ones i like to keep in my mind at all though.
i find it odd how i can actually take my mind off those.
i guess that's a good thing, but every so often im reminded again.
ugh...im so scared right now it's ridiculous.
i literally want to cry lol :S
man im freaking out so bad now ><
i need to get in bed or something. omg
im seriously having a panic attack right now
fml D:
....ok that freak out episode lasted a bit longer than i wanted.
still isn't completely gone, but...ugh so scared
ok...i know nothing can harm me. /breathe
now to uh turn on the light
oh man i havent been this scared in ages.
i wish someone was up or that the neighbors were making noise...
it's too quiet. even the grasshoppers arent making any sound
><
| | |
| sometimes the world is too bright for me to see
sometimes my hand aims farther than what i can reach
sometimes i soar too high to see around me
sometimes i think too much to see the answer
for there is no tomorrow
there never was
there never is
and never will be
no, there is no tomorrow
all i have is time that's borrowed
there is no tomorrow
bring me sleep
i lie here waiting
save me from
this life im hating
bring me sleep
the long nights never ending
it seems like a sick joke
the rage that builds
i cant contain it
the anger, despair
touched by hands so cold
death has caressed me
hold me tighter
your icy skin so pleasant
calmed and swayed into dreams
please dont stop now
hold me tighter
till i break
for there is no tomorrow
there never was
there never is
and never will be
no, there is no tomorrow
all i have is time that's borrowed
there is no tomorrow
bring me sleep
i lie here waiting
save me from
this life im hating
bring me sleep
***********************************
i like that song...
a few days ago, i broke down uncontrollably.
first time that had ever happened to me.
it was a very unpleasant feeling.
not having any control over my emotions or being able to get a hold of myself.
today i had to ask robb what diaf meant. his response was "that's not nice"
i guess he thought i was telling him that.
...good thing there is such a thing as google.
i guess i am truly stupid.
| | |
| For my birthday, I want to be ale to not cry myself to sleep.
I don't know if that's too much to ask
Sincerely, me | | |
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